Burned Out to Lit Up:
Ditch the Grind and Reclaim Your Life
INTRODUCTION
Don't ask what the world needs. Ask what makes you come alive and go do it. Because what the world needs is people who have come alive.
— Howard Thurman
BURNOUT IS THE NEWEST GLOBAL PANDEMIC
Did you know that a 2018 Deloitte study found that 77% of Americans report experiencing burnout within the previous year? And by 2023, a study by Zippia reports that number has risen to 89%. The World Health Organization, Mayo Clinic and other health organizations also acknowledge burnout as a widespread problem, although they vary on defining it and are somewhat vague on dealing with it.
If you’re a mid-career woman and have been hacking your way through American work culture for a while, I’m willing to bet that percentage is even higher (ensnaring nearly everyone), and that you’re experiencing all the wonderful things that accompany burnout— feeling overwhelmed, undervalued, maybe even trapped, and lost as to what to do about it. I’ll bet you’ve spent more time than you care to count trying to be everything to everyone (family, friends, the neighbor down the street, your boss, culture, church, community) with little regard to your own needs or identity. I see you; I was you, and I can help you get yourself out.
Kickass humans like you want autonomy, power, possibility, and purpose in their lives, and they want to feel alive, energized, lit- up, and ready to make an impact in the world.
They want to spend their precious and limited time, energy, and resources on the people and things that matter most. I’d venture to say that not only are you a kickass human, but you know there’s more to life than barely surviving, buried under your endless to-do lists, thinking someday you’ll finally have a scrap of time to restore yourself and pursue that passion project that’s been simmering beneath the surface for years, wondering when you’ll get the chance to find out what else is out there for you.
If this inner stirring started as a whisper, then became a declarative sentence, and has now escalated to a primal scream, don’t worry; you’re in good company. Bronnie Ware wrote a somewhat gut- wrenching book called The Top Five Regrets of the Dying. These regrets are:
“I wish I'd had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me.”
“I wish I hadn't worked so hard.”
“I wish I'd had the courage to express my feelings.”
“I wish I had stayed in touch with my friends.”
“I wish I had let myself be happier.”
Number one says it all, and the others flow from it. Most people spend too much time and energy worrying about everyone else’s expectations, opinions, and business, and too little time getting clear on how they feel and what matters most to them, and then moving toward it—one thought, choice, action, and habit at a time.
For women, the problem is even more acute, since most of us have been conditioned from birth to be caring, accommodating to a fault, and even to ignore our own needs and desires in favor of serving others and the communities we live in. This tees us up perfectly to play roles written by others rather than claiming the starring role in our own lives. The pressure to do this is intense, and even if you’re a stubborn ox like me, it’s a relatively easy habit trap to fall into.
Ask yourself: what would you regret having not spent more time on or not having done if your life ended before you had a chance to do it? When have you too heavily favored saving joy and money for the future versus enjoying your life and the people in it now?
AN INVITATION
If this book called to you to explore, you’re probably a dream family member, employee, volunteer, and an all-around excellent human doing all the “right things.” I suspect you’ve read lots of leadership and personal development books and tried all the shortcuts Google can cough up to save time, be efficient, and do it all without breaking a sweat.
In order to squeeze all of this in, you’ve likely ditched most, if not all of the things that would support your well-being or aid your resilience (like nutrition, exercise, sleep, spiritual practice, hobbies, time with loved ones, time with friends, unstructured down time, and anything that might be construed as frivolous or fun.) Once you’ve trotted down this shit-strewn path for a while, burnout, rage, grief, self-blame, ill physical health, mental health challenges, and soul- crushing exhaustion are inevitable.
Take heart; you are not alone. The majority of midlife women in demanding careers feel the same way, and it’s not a result of having done anything “wrong.” It’s a result of doing it all so “right” and then realizing the only thing wrong was the insanely unachievable set of expectations you somehow signed on to.
We dream of an Eat, Pray, Love-style escape like Julia Roberts had in the movie, where we drop everything, travel to exotic places, and eat, pray, and love ourselves into a glowing state of well-being—but we have bills, responsibilities, and loved ones at home, and we suspect the things that need attention (mindset, self-worth, self-love, relationship issues, unhealthy habits or coping mechanisms, physical and mental health challenges) will follow us abroad anyway.
You’ve tried but haven’t figured out how to give yourself the time, space, and resources to slow down. I invite you to think differently and chart a new course that’s aligned with your values and what you actually want out of life. Or that you would want if you took the time to dig deep and find out.
You’d also love for people to see you’re exhausted, to quit asking for stuff, and to back the hell off. Yet you’re scared to be the one to insist on making these changes, which you know will cause a stir you don’t feel like dealing with. After all, isn’t everyone fried? Do you really deserve a break? You probably don’t have it that bad, do you? Shouldn’t you just suck it up and soldier along?
Why can’t someone just cough up the freakin’ playbook already!
Well, I have excellent news for you. The next nine chapters contain just that. It is possible to reclaim yourself in body, mind, and spirit, and recenter your life around who and what matters most to you without breaking the bank, falling into an existential abyss, or losing what’s left of what’s holding you together. You can create a multidimensional, badass life that you don’t need to escape from.
I can’t wait to guide you through the distilled and curated process I used and that I now help other women navigate. It will help you go from self-neglect, through self-care, to the powerful state of self- possession. No need to wait for a crash during an overdue vacation, illness, or emergency, or that long-fabled retirement, which many people reach running on fumes only to discover they’ve not nurtured their health, important relationships, or passions, and don’t really know how to live fully outside the box of their prescribed work and societal roles.
The very best part about this journey is that it’s the opposite of zero sum. It’s the truest win-win I know.
When we learn to nourish ourselves inside and out, to give ourselves respect, compassion, and love, we are exponentially better-equipped not only to show up whole and happy for our loved ones and work, but to give these gifts to others in our lives, radiating our inner light as we go.
TOUGH LESSONS FROM THE SCHOOL OF LIFE
I spent twenty years learning how to survive and ultimately thrive in the ultra-male, 24/7, meat grinder field of real estate development. It’s an “always on” business, in which it is a peculiar badge of honor to be so “busy” as to have few, if any, other priorities in life. During that time, my teams produced over 3,000 homes in the San Francisco Bay Area, creating over $1.5 billion in value. If you can develop housing in the Bay Area (where everyone says they want to support equitable opportunities for others to live, learn, and work in our beautiful region, but no one wants any more actual neighbors or buildings anywhere near their house and will fight tooth and nail to keep them out), you can smash just about any hurdle in your path.
After slogging away for the first fifteen years, doing all (most? some?) of the things working parents are “supposed” to do, with two children and a crushing set of expectations from myself, work, home, and beyond, I hit a nasty wall caused by years of built-up exhaustion and overload, and ultimately a family health emergency.
These factors reached a boiling point that caused me to quit my job and embark on a career break of unknown duration to figure out how to heal myself inside and out so I could show up as the person, mom, wife, sister, friend, and professional I wanted to be.
I will share with you how I went from an anxiety-ridden shell of myself to reconnecting with my intrinsic value and values, ensuring my time and energy are focused intentionally on the people and things that matter most (including me).
As I recovered from burnout, I got my mojo back, and with it plenty of motivation to get back in the game of work. By shifting my perspective, strategy, and approach, I rebuilt my career with far more autonomy and purpose. Learning I had the power to set my own rules of engagement with the world was a watershed moment; I just had to learn how to use it.
Bursting with ideas and inspiration, I started a consulting business in my field and worked on many exciting projects with terrific clients, chosen based on shared purpose and mutual benefit. I was able to set appropriate boundaries around work and other demands and protect precious time to raise my family and treat my own needs like they actually mattered, despite what others may have thought.
Now I'm a career strategist and empowerment coach, and I help high- impact women leaders step into their power and go from burned out to lit up. Clients hone their ability to see and articulate their value (and values) and tap into their power, possibility, and purpose to pursue what matters most to them in their lives and careers. Fuck off, hustle culture. Hello rich, full-bodied, joy-filled life.
It’s a gift to work with incredible and inspiring clients, providing thought partnership, strategic insight, clarity on value and values, healthy mindset practice, new chapter exploration, career acceleration support, and accountability. The kind we all need from time to time, especially when in a period of growth or transition.
HOW TO NAVIGATE THIS BOOK
The suggested cadence for this book is one week per chapter—and the first week is almost in the bag! Each chapter is followed by a few Reflection Activities: questions, ideas, or activities to help you apply the concepts to your own life in meaningful ways for you. These Reflection Activities are also compiled at the end of the book in case you want to reference them all together. It will be helpful to have a lovely journal and favorite pen or pencil to use for these activities.
Or you can to print out a free PDF workbook of all the Reflection Activities in this book from my website. I emailed you the link when you subscribed, so be sure to check your email!
Ready to go from burned out to lit up? Let’s go!
REFLECTION ACTIVITIES
Write yourself a letter, dated ten weeks out from now, about how you’ll feel, who you’ll be, and what you’ll do after this journey. It is to be written in the past tense, as though these things have already come to pass. In your letter, describe:
What you've learned, experienced, and applied to your life.
The ways your life has been positively impacted and transformed.
How you feel about yourself and the year to come.